This is a tough one. Some pieces of our life are not easy to share, whether it is because of the pain in the memory or the fear of what others may feel about the situation. On the other hand, there are times when the pain of our past is outweighed by the pain of the person who is living through the same situation in the present and needs to hear our story to feel the touch of God.
In 2002 I had a 2 year old daughter, engaged to a great guy and just finishing college. Life was great. I was only a few short months from a courthouse wedding, had the potential of a great job on the horizon, getting more active in my church and loving the future I saw ahead then I got pregnant. At first the wave of excitement was bittersweet because although I was excited about having a baby with the guy I was going to marry, I was sad I wasn’t married yet. Never the less, I enjoyed the fact that I had been given a gift to celebrate.
A few days after the news, I found out my fiancé was a child molester. I felt angry, hurt, betrayed and dirty. I was carrying the child of a molester. I couldn’t fathom having to deal with having a baby girl that I needed to protect and keep away from this monster. I needed to make a choice, keep the baby, give it up for adoption or have an abortion.
Because the family of the molested child never brought charges, he was innocent in the eyes of the law. Keeping the baby would require visitation and if I went into hiding I would be breaking the law. If I decided on adoption, he would have the right to take custody of the baby. The only way I felt I could protect this child was to have an abortion. I was against abortion. I despised people who had abortions. Yet, what other options did I have? I was angry with the family of the molested child for not pressing charges. I was angry at the law which would give me the right to terminate a pregnancy without the father’s consent but not give it up for adoption to another home without his consent. Most of all I was angry at God for letting this happen.
After a few days of continual tears and questioning myself I decided on abortion. I continually told myself I was doing the right thing, I was keeping this baby from being brought into a world of harm. I was protecting my child from being a statistic of molestation. God would forgive me because I was just trying to do the right thing by my child. So, to the clinic I went.
I decided on taking the abortion pill which forces your body to have a miscarriage. I think the reason I decided to go that route was simply because I felt it was the “natural way” of doing it. I wouldn’t have to accept it as a true abortion.
The night I took the pill I was went into “forced labor.” I felt the cramping, the pains, the contractions as my body was trying to expel the fetus. Once it happened I saw it; the nubs for hands and toes, the place where the eyes, nose and mouth were going to be. I was devastated and broken. I had killed my baby and I wanted to take it all back. Even though I had all these feelings, I still maintained that I was innocent in God’s eyes as I had just done what I had to do to protect my child.
For the last 7 years I still maintained my innocence yet had this deep hole in my heart whenever abortion was discussed. I would cringe at the protestors and feel sick to my stomach when I would see the crosses lined up in church yards. I was pro-choice and was happy to share that belief. But, there was something that still seemed off.
The past couple of months God has been working heavily on my heart regarding the abortion and when I was talking with my new fiancé after church regarding the service God finally made it clear; I put myself in control instead of putting God in control. He is in charge. I was giving myself the ability to play the role of God, bending and shaping the reasons behind my actions to make them appear right in my eyes so I didn’t feel the guilt about the decision I made and could blame someone else. The problem is I was going about it all wrong.
To be a Christian is to follow the walk of Jesus and give ourselves completely to God. As a Christian I don’t have the option to make decisions based upon what I think it right but I need to consult God’s word through the Bible and in my relationship with Him in order to make decisions that I know are right.
I was pro-choice. I used to see bumper stickers that said pro-family, pro-religion, pro-choice and fully agreed with those words. I believed them simply because I felt as though God gave us free will, then we should have the freedom to choose. Although God gives us free will and the freedom to make our own decisions, that doesn’t mean they are the right ones. He creates life on purpose for a purpose. Each baby is sanctioned by God and is to be treated as the miracle they are.
I had the hole in my heart because I wasn’t being honest with myself but now I feel at peace as I have been forgiven. It took 7 years for me to finally ask for the forgiveness God was ready to give me years ago, but I needed to learn the lesson that I was not in charge. I’m thankful this Thanksgiving for the grace I have been given and the peace I finally have in my heart to be able to say I am pro-life; pro-God.
